7 WORDS AND A RING


August 31, 2017, marked one of my greatest dreams as a woman.
We just had a very simple and plain birthday celebration to which I just came off from the hospital. My sister even sent 400 pesos as an eat-out birthday gift at Jollibee.
You were never the romantic type. Earlier that day, I sent you a chat asking for sweet nothings from you but you only sent me GIFs and Emojis.

I was somehow disappointed because I was hoping you’d give me a poetic birthday message. But, just like my 2 other birthdays, you only managed to greet me a simple “Happy Birthday, I love you so much” message.

For a person whose heart is easily fluttered with words, not getting romantic, mushy messages from a partner is such a struggle.

Remember how many times we would fight over my insecurities? My repeated requests for sweet messages? My demands of affirmations?
We sometimes end up not communicating for a week. And you’d tell me that it’s not just in you to be that type of person.
BUT..
Going back to that night, you really did it your way, no gimmicks, no fancy restaurants, no fancy gifts, exactly just the way you are.
We just had a simple talk and when it’s about time to sleep, you took it out of your sling bag, and there it was….
A simple, tiny box with a cute little ribbon was opened right before my teary eyes.
I knew you guys were brewing something. I knew that it’s going to happen by the beach because well, I’m a mermaid by heart after all. But the plans didn’t go through because of my father’s hospitalization.
So, to be honest, I was quite surprised that you pushed through the plan even if it’s just you now. No special effects.

JUST YOU AND I.

It was never my ideal proposal but I wouldn’t have it the other way.
Why?

Because I knew, it was already a great effort for you.  And that I knew, it came straight from you.
It doesn’t have to be flashy and fancy my love, all I wanted, more than anything, is just you in that day.
I can still remember how you asked me out that night on my birthday. You opened the dainty box and let out the words:

WILL YOU BE MY FOREVER?

MARRY ME.

And it still gets me every time.
To 4 more months before our DREAM DAY, Cheers my love.
I love you and I’ll never grow tired loving you.
No in betweens, just ALL or NOTHING 🙂

Advertisements

The Confessions of a Diabetic Man’s Daughter

This is probably the first most honest blog that I’ve written after several lousy and clumsy attempts (blogger wannabe since 2013). I wanna give credits to Miss Lorna Lovelace for sharing with me her tips and encouragements about writing my heart and thoughts out. Please read through and leave your comments if you like. 🙂
I hear the clanging of the broken wheelchair’s metal wheel against the floor as we make our way to the Radiology Department for his scheduled Kidney Ultrasound. Since August of 2015, we’ve been in and out of the hospital because of my father’s worsened condition, brought about by the complications of his diabetes. He’s been diabetic for more than 20 years and the effects have rapidly crept into his body. Damaged heart, problematic lungs, and kidney failure are what summarized his overall body condition. 

But there’s more than just the simple enumeration of his illnesses,

.

.

.

the tears, 

the sleepless nights and days, 

the never-ending loans and bills,

the pain, 

all of the untold stories, 

the behind the scenes. 

So, where are the confessions?

This is not to rant about my regrets, frustrations, and anger. This is actually my most vulnerable time, where I had to open myself and start to talk about how my life has been since the twilight of August 2015. 🙂

I’ve grown lax with my faith in God. It’s not that I don’t believe in Him. It’s not that I’m angry with Him. You know that feeling where you don’t feel anything at all? Like you’re just numb and somewhat insensitive to anything and everything around you? I’ve grown cold. With God, it’s been an on and off relationship. 

I started feeling rebellious. I wanted to get away from the situation but I can’t, because what kind of a daughter will that make me if I leave my family to solve the problems without me? And I would say, after all of my father’s abuse on himself and in our family, I STILL LOVE HIM. I bet all of my siblings still do.

BUT……

I started to think that LIFE IS UNFAIR. But then again, if I’m going to think about it, LIFE IS STILL FAIR BECAUSE IT IS UNFAIR TO EVERYBODY. 

I felt like I was forced to stay in a cage with no resolution to freedom. MARRIAGE? TRAVEL GOALS? They are nowhere near my sight. 

I started questioning myself: When will I get married then if I’m already 25 and father is still having his remaining years in life (just in and out of the hospital)? I know I sound very bitter and inconsiderate and stubborn. 

DID I GET TO THE POINT WHERE I ASKED FOR MY FATHER’S LAST YEAR IN LIFE?

I did, just to myself. 

You know you love your father but you are reminded of the time you were just a li’l girl and you heard him speak outright that out of all his children, you’re the only one he didn’t love.

My thoughts wandered off to those years when DIABETES robbed me of my freedom. 

Even now, as my father is complaining about difficulty in breathing (even with the aid of Oxygen), I was the one who stayed with him in the hospital but all he ever calls, even when writhing with pain, is my other sibling. 🤐

When you are still in your “good years”, NEVER EVER ABUSE YOUR BODY. If you do, YOU ARE ROBBING YOUR FUTURE WIFE OR YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND AND YOUR FUTURE KIDS THEIR OWN LIVES. THEY WILL BE STUCK ON YOU IN THEIR LIFETIME. 

They will say goodbye to their birthdays, their dreams, and their future, ALL BECAUSE YOU WERE VERY SELFISH ENJOYING YOUR OWN LIFE.

Everybody’s got a story to tell.

I am an empty page no more. Whenever I look back to how far I’ve come in my life, tears would well my eyes. It was never an easy life. I have had my own share of happiness and sadness, victories and failures. It is very surprising how a person can change so much over a period of time. From being the little, bubbly girl to a grown up woman – still immature. Ironic right? People often wish for life to take them back to the age where all they ever care about is dressing up and running after playmates. This would be the time where I revisit my childhood years. How have I become to be the woman I am now? 
In the end, all I really wanted to say is how much I regretted not giving you the chance to grow up and experience love from people whom I denied you to. I love you dearly and I am really sorry. 😢